Part 45: "The Unfortunate Effects of Reality - The Musical."
10. "The Unfortunate Effects of Reality - The Musical." The logo is an actor dressed up in a bear costume. He is smoking a cigarette.quote:
You decide to face "The Unfortunate Effects of Reality - The Musical." The logo is an actor dressed up in a bear costume. He is smoking a cigarette.
Suddenly reality shifts around you! You, Tobias and Dr. Sheppard break out into a musical number. It goes like this:
"The Unfortunate Effects of Reality - The Musical"
Dr. Sheppard: "You cannot dance well, but
you pretend to do it anyway
You live in an apartment in the city
but the building doesn't look nice
because there is a giant mountain of garbage in the front yard
You have a loving mother and a strange father
but the father doesn't speak to you
sometimes the father cries
Tobias: "You hang out with your friends at school
you are popular and have a great group of friends
but you don't have any money for clothes
And your parents only take you to a couple of fancy restaurants
Every time you play a video game, you spend all your time playing
and you don't care about going out
Chorus: "You listen to music in your headphones
You like to listen to bad pop music
and play your guitar
and you would like to be famous"
You: "It's completely unfair
You just blew my mind
Dr. Sheppard: "It's an alternate reality"
Tobias: "This is a fantasy
of a little boy"
Dr. Sheppard: "The boy has been imprisoned by this world
but he is hoping to break free
But first he must escape from this place
The boy is trapped in the world he loves"
The song ends as the "Unfortunate Effects of Reality - The Musical" logo appears again. The ceiling tiles are now falling on you.
The narrator suddenly breaks in on your scene: "The Unfortunate Effects of Reality - The Musical" is a mix of The Beatles, Bach, Sheppard & Shao, Walt Disney and DotCom.
You start a dance routine that can be described this way:
You follow along in time with the music.
As you do, you dance in synch with the lyrics
You make a weird face
Then you repeat.
Suddenly the cartoon theme music is interrupted by the end of a song.
You're back to reality. The ceiling tiles are back. You just hung up on your girlfriend, Jenna.
You've just forgotten to take your vitamins.
you forgot to fill your toothpaste dispenser.
You are 14 year old. You are living your Missing Childhood.
The narrator explains that you are a boy named Terrance in Malavarai, and gives you a box containing these words: "THIS IS YOUR MISSING CHILDHOOD! Come here at your earliest convenience."
As you read them, you realize that these are the words of your own inner-child.
Congratulations! You have found your Missing Childhood. All the other Items become metaphors.
YOU WIN!
NOW THE ENTIRE WORLD KNOWS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THINKING! YOU CAN MAKE THESE APPEAR ON A T-SHIRT & REEL
Hi, I'm your host, Chuck Schmidt.
The author of a new book called Murderville: My Missing Childhood.
When I was in my original Missing Childhood (a 3-year-old), I knew something was missing, but I couldn't tell you what.
I thought my parents loved me, but they were drinking at least a bottle of wine a night, so maybe they just loved being together and not really liking me.
I believed I was the smartest person in my class (but when I did homework it wasn't my homework - I just read it over someone else's shoulder), but if I remember correctly, my brainpower didn't make a significant difference in my performance at school.
I had friends and could count them on one hand, but maybe that's because I wasn't in the same room with them. Maybe my class had a bunch of low-intelligence kids that I didn't notice. Maybe I just never noticed them.
I was the kind of kid who thought people were jealous of me because I was so smart and talented and lucky. I had all the toys and cool clothes and loads of money, but I still was lonely, miserable, and sad all the time.
I'd wake up in the morning, go to school, and when it was time for lunch I'd feel like I was going to throw up. I just didn't know why I was so emotionally weak. I didn't know where the feeling was coming from.
I got really good grades on tests, but I never felt like I was good at anything. I was good at physics and math, but I couldn't get through an algebra problem. I was okay at typing, but I had to print things out and stuff them in envelopes and that wasn't fun. I was a supermodel in the eighth grade, but I hated how I looked and I couldn't stand to be around people.
During the day, I'd dream of what my life would be like in the future. I'd watch reruns of Friends. I'd daydream about being a rock star. I'd dream about the day I would discover who my real parents were and where I was from. But then I'd realize that even if I found out where I came from, I wouldn't like them.
Then at night, I'd have my own secret life. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, and I'd go to a place where I wasn't supposed to go, and I'd talk to my actual parents about the things I didn't like about my real life.
This is when I decided to write this book you are holding in your hands. What you see on the cover and in the descriptions is exactly what I remember.
Now I've found my real parents. They're loving and kind. They let me sleep in their bed every night. I'm at college and I'm doing well. I love my new family.
Thank you for playing.
Sincerely,
Cuckoo Alarm Clock
MY MISSING CHILDHOOD
paperback, 363 pages, published June 2008 by Random House
PS: I just realized the best thing about writing a book is that it's so hard, you have to make a huge commitment of time and effort, and nobody's going to pay you anything for it. (Except in this case, because Random House gave me a great advance.) But don't feel guilty, because it was totally worth it.
PPS: Even if I'm still not particularly fond of being interviewed, I do enjoy hearing other people's stories. If you're inspired to tell a story about yourself that isn't your usual run-of-the-mill autobiography, you can submit it here: http://www.randomhouse.com/books/detail/mockingbird
FINAL SCORE posted:
Congratulations on completing this trilogy! This is your final score: 6,001,600,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
You scored points for the following objectives:
1. Discovering who you are and where you came from.
2. Fulfilling your destiny.
3. Never having to eat Corn Flakes again.
4. Getting rid of your childhood bedroom furniture.
5. Appearing in an iconic film.
6. Coaching the Giants in Game 2 of the World Series.
7. Teaching Astronauts how to build and program the Asimov.
You have lost points for the following reasons:
A. Not doing the first step.
B. Making love.
C. Finally realizing that what you thought was the best thing in the world turns out to be the worst thing in the world.
D. Having a thousand children.
And here's how much I like you: I'll also give you one hundred million dollars.
Thom "Mantis" Stormfist (A.K.A. Superhero, the Killer of Murderville), the Master Barbarian (Lv 3.6) // [Assassin] Sebastian (Lv 2) // Investigator (Lvl 1)
Attributes
- Wisdom 11[+1]
- Luck 6
- Charisma 6
- Intimidation 3[+1] (Intimidates)
- Swim 1[+1]
- Athletics 0
- Endurance 10[+1]
- Health 10
- Stamina 15
- Stamina Recovery 10
- Determination 1[+1]
- Desperation 1[+1]
- Honor 2[+2]
- Shoot 1[+1]
- Impress 1[+1]
- Useful 1[+1]
- L 1[+1]
- Intelligence 8[+8]
- Your Demigod Strength is equal to 14[+2]!!!
- Dexterity 2[+2]
- Acrobatics 4[+4]
- Umility 1[+1]
- Courage 1[+1]
- Competence 1[+1]
- Run & Shoot 1[+1]
- Summon Bones: Click on the corpses of people you pass to pull out your buffs - your greatest tool in manipulating the board. The more bones you have summoned, the better of a buff you will have.
- ENDURE: affects the architecture of the Great Pyramid.
- Magic Spell: ??? the last time we have tried to cast it, we got interrupted by a skeletal arm.
- [Armor of the Fire】 [Cruel / Mysterious / Great] [Vengeful / Confident / Sarcasm]: ??? we gained these skills when we leveled as an [Assassin] Sebastian.
- Glide
- You can now use the special ability which allows you to make a weapon (you have made a Bow Shotgun)
- Rune Stealer: You can steal from the memories of other people.
- Nonexistent Alteration: Combine Holy Water and Blessing, transforming you into a platypus, which can only change back into its normal form once it has hit its target. This spell is your most useful spell. Since you are a telepath, you can also command animals.
- Demigod Strength: It has the following effect: While you are on the ground, you gain a stack of three Demigod Strength. You are vulnerable while this effect is active. Any melee attack that would have taken the form of a melee attack will have its damage dealt by a direct attack of the same type (i.e. a ranged attack will deal melee damage, or a single enemy will be targeted by both an attack of the same type and a direct attack).
- Assassin Step: Attacks enemies with the sword 5 times while you are near an enemy, which can be limited to a maximum of 15 attacks in one action.
- Headshot! A new weapon that will get rid of almost every enemy in the game. As you play, you'll get increasingly powerful headshots, which will help you reach the final boss alive.
- Investigator's boni: The penalty for disobeying the law in this game is 20% less (10%); your affinity for right behavior increases by one additional level; You have the potential to give testimony in court; You have the potential to lead a public investigation.
- A full doctor (that has already been used to cast Summon Bones)
- A miniature full moon
- A Rune
- A familiar sabre
- A Bomb
- Enchanted broadsword
- Enchanted quiver
- Magical leggings
- The Original Man's staff
- A set of cybernetic legs
- Some gold
- Two silver coins (made of pure gold)
- A pair of Goggles
- A piece of paper with the names of your relatives and the names of every single Pokémon currently on your party.
- Reach Murderville. ✓
- Help Sebastian with his job interview in Murderville. ✓
- Help your brother Sebastian, the demi-God get back on the dev team. ✓
- Find Missing Object n.3: Your Missing Childhood, which is you. ✓
- Solve the mystery of the so-called Missing Objects. ✓
- Discover what happened to the doctor.
- Sebastian, your Demi-god, game-dev brother.
- Uriel, your friend.
- The Original Man.
- Jake, The White Deer Lady.
- SARAGE the DOG.
A voting window is now open!